忘了。

我終於明白 

真正在放不下的人是我

我無法相信

無法相信自己

一直哭著 嚷著 逞強著 說著不相信你

但心裡一直相信著

最後笑了 笑着哭了

其實你並不知道 也不需要知道

其實你並不知道的事情好多

其實你並不需要知道的事情也好多

比如

我相信你與否

才知道為什麼我那麼看不開

因為我其實還是不能還是不敢相信

那開口閉口說愛我的人 走了 真的走了

被 我 趕 走 的 

我 終於 一無所有了

不能責怪誰

對嗎

嗯

對

現在的氾濫

其實身邊越多人 同等於越少人

我習慣夜裡不睡覺 

現在的我夜裡不再鬧着找人陪

一個人做什麼都好

就 一個人 

到真的很累了 很累了就能睡了 

總是在每個凌晨

還會那麼一點點期望電話會響起

能不能今後不再有這樣子的想法了

被 你 愛 過 我 還 能 愛 誰 

嗯

就這樣 結束了
好不好

我在等 還在等

全部一個一個 都離開我

親愛的你

這能不能真的是我最後一次接起你的電話

最 後 一 次 . . . 

這也是你最後一次聽我哭
好不好

想寫的太多
能不能就用句號直接結束
剩下的全部留給我自己一個人
嗯，能的。

自言自語。

其實現在的我 完全不知道下一步

到底要做些什麼 到底還要怎麼做

常常會被問起 我怎麼都不給人機會

當我給機會的時候 又有多少人知道

你為什麼懇求別人給予你機會？

如果你一直一直都是最好的自己 萬全具備

還需要害怕機會和你擦肩而過嗎

我總是對他人過於苛刻

但是偶爾又會放縱他們

苛刻要求他們成為更好的自己

結果他們變得更好了 也就不是我的了

放縱他們不聽取我的嘮叨訓話

結果他們的叛逆強勢 我至今無法忘懷

我忍著說 走吧

他們就走了

我咬牙說 忘了

他們就遺忘

我知道 我都知道

我明瞭 我都明瞭

不都是這樣的嗎 還能夠怎麼樣呢

還是一次次選擇相信人 就算已被傷害得體無完膚

還是一次次選擇相信你 因我不知哪次你會不說謊

領悟再多都還是一樣重蹈覆轍

繼續相信 繼續被騙 繼續難過 繼續遺忘 繼續逞強 再重復...

說等你的人沒說不會走 說愛你的人沒說只愛你

說還在的人已牽起別人 說沒忘的人已不是朋友

我難過 被騙了

於是我也學會了騙人

我學會了在孤獨寂寞時候假裝充實

我學會了在傷心難過時候總說沒事

就算我還愛你 我也已經不是你要的

就算你回來了 你也不是我要的你了

對嗎？

喜歡熬夜的我 沒人陪我熬夜

喜歡通話的我 沒人陪我聊天

不習慣 但我學會了一個人打遊戲 陪家犬玩 逛網 度過夜晚

不習慣 但我學會了一個人整理房 看連續劇 聽歌 進入睡眠

你看不見我的淚 你看不到我的傷

我有何必跟你抱怨呢

你已經不是我的了 你已經成為別人的

我又何必跟你聯絡呢

嗯.. 暫且停止 

明早還要早起上班呢..晚安

殘餘。

很想上來泄文很久了

終於要開始這一篇了

日子一天一天過去

你在我腦海裡樣子漸漸不再清晰

日子一天一天過去

我在你腦海裡的樣子是否也一樣模糊了

我總是在聊天的時候跟朋友說

我的缺點就是太容易放下

直到今天我才發現 

原來我一直都沒有放下

只不過假裝忘記

靠近我的溫度很多

但是我已經不敢伸手去觸碰那渴望的溫度了

他們問我為什麼不給予他們機會

我沈默了

因為我連個答案都無法回答自己

更何況給予他們回答

我忘了 怎麼樣想念一個人

我忘了 怎麼樣依賴一個人

但我依然清晰記得 我想念過你 我依賴過你

你潛入了我的生活 在我僅存一點點剩餘破碎得自己的時候

我每天和你說我的經歷想法

在我們分開以後你又認識了多少曾認識我的人

他們又是怎麼樣跟你說

我是一個

怎麼樣的人類呢

你到底曾是一個怎麼樣的存在

成為現在烙印在我生活的陰影

想盡很多方法填滿自己的空缺

忙

卻還是有時間讓你兜一圈我的腦海

多希望

那個叫作謊言的東西 

可以不要那麼快破滅

那麼我就能多依賴你久一點 

你不知道 

分開以後 我害怕被除了家人以外的人叫全名

分開以後 我學會了吞噬想法與心事

你

會不會看著我

覺得我變得更獨立了

覺得我已不需要你了

你成功恨我了嗎

如果成功了 恭喜你 解脫了惡魔

我想過 再見你一次面

我們可以很平靜很平靜的說話

可是

回憶裡的人是不能去見的

因見了回憶就蕩然無存了

暫時到此

晚安了 我的世界 

就這樣。

非遺書。

時間帶走了很多 很多，

也同時給了更多 更多。

獨自一人夠冷靜的時候，

我才發現到我的人生就快要步入21年了。

幼氣 

應該都收好

任性

應該都凍結

要一天比一天 獨當一面 明白理事

要一天比一天 冷漠無情 冷暖自知

想要抒發好多文字 給那個會點擊閱讀這個部落格的你..

那些我摯愛的 那些深愛我的

甚至是曾經.. 我摯愛的 深愛我的。

我已不是以前的自己

每一天的生活都是在告別昨日的自己

我已不是過往的性格

每一天的充實都隨著時間帶走了脾氣

我曾拼命想要擁有屬於自己的自由

直到現在的我眼看著自由也沒慾望觸碰

我曾恨不得能擁有個專屬的避風港

直到現在被現實抓著認清了所謂的真相

你現在深愛的人

下一刻或許已經在別人懷抱裡

你曾經深愛的人

這一秒也許已經忘記了你存在

貪心著想要身邊的人變得更好

用盡全力的責備 甚至生氣 甚至難過

如不是為了身邊的人變得更好

又何必費盡心思 難忍易怒 難忍脾氣

最後那些愛著的人 全都逃走了 全都離開了。

堅信著 依然堅信著

要走的 我不留 要留的 我不趕

我想，我也學會了貪心。

像是惡魔的行為 像是嗜血的惡毒

偶爾還是會很天真妄想擁有一個避風港

卻發現唯一的避風港竟是房裡的小角落

偶爾還是會闖事受了委屈沒有任何依靠

卻發現唯一的那依靠竟是孤寂的片影子

漸漸地 學會了再痛也不抱怨

漸漸地 領悟了再愛也不傾訴

我忘了如何時不時對一個人說我想你

我忘了怎麼時不時對一個人說我愛你

珍愛的 在心底

一旦公諸於世就會失去

相信的 藏心裡

一旦大聲宣揚就會毀了

我，還是那麼一個傻子。（：

The bottleneck.

Am I doing something I WANT to do or I HAVE to do?

What will be my future?

What will my future be?

Can I really switch my life like this? dramatically..

How long I didn't update new post at here...

I finish my first semester and too bad I didn't get good marks on that first semester..

Actually I am totally disappointed to myself.

My level is really not at degree?

Parents said my Uni sucks.. want me to transfer to other Uni. 

I really did considering.

Shall I just leave this country?

Will it be a better future?

By the way, I'm in a relationship with some one I adore that much.

My expectation about relationship getting higher and higher..

Maybe I will really stops here or maybe not.

Relationship is really something you couldn't force it.

I had enough of it but I am still desire.

Don't want to be alone.

Ask for accompany day and night.

Wondering if I wish for any accompany who will I call at the midnight?

Am I too adore you?

I let you have your enough sleep everyday.

Don't want to let you worries about what I am worried about.

You have your different ways to face problems and face me.

This is the only thing I can keep telling myself for forgiving you.

The person that I adore damn much doesn't pay me enough time for a relationship.

I am getting greedy.

Thanks for all the scar, until the day end.

I improve, I ignore.

One day.. someday.. I will stop loving anyone anymore.. 

Just one day.. Just someday..

Just not today..

I haven't get hurt enough. (:

The last day of March.

Heavy rain outside my window makes me want to get wet in it.

The room is not dark enough..

The room is not cold enough..

Not as dark as cold as hurt than my heart.

Music: Jess Lee - Force To

2014.

Everything have a ends.

My holidays is ending very soon.. :((

The new semester is going to start next Monday..

Wondering to pick up two or three subject in one semester?

I really can cover and corp?

Hope so.

Trying to give up on you.. 

and every time I decided to give up you, you will appear..

just like miracle.. 

Wish to really friendzonezonezone you! :((

Just tell me who I am in your life and I will try my best to be that person.

I don't want to be curious and keep thinking what are we anymore..

Why make us so complicated?

Hope that I will not lost you in my life and your friends too.

Saw you in some group chat listen to what you said but I didn't appear also makes me smile.

You have the secret power to make me happy?

Really don't want myself to get in any relationship to easily anymore.

Really refuse to having any relationship when the semester just started.

It will really effects me and my result.. :((

The is already the second times.. 

R said that want to be in a relationship with me.

I reject again.

Felt sorry.. but R really did so many things to me but just not beside me.

Maybe when the day comes we can have and ends and R can get the answer that R keep asking. 

R try to get everything I want.. bought it for me

Although there is some words and promise that R said before R forgot to do it.

R really can make my dreams come true?

But R can make me happy?

Erm..

New year New plan..

1.) Education 

2.) Work

Need to finish my drawing ASAP for gift to my parents.

Need to keep revision all the subject and get more information to study on.

Wish to arrange my time back and wake up early sleep early~

To be a secondary student life again lolz

To be continue..

Still that sh*t

I want to get hurt.

A car accident, anything.

I want to get injured enough to wind up in a hospital, 
just to see if anyone would come to make sure I'm okay.

And I'd pretend to be sleeping or dying so in case anyone actually did come, 
they would sit at the edge of my bed, crying, 
and tell me everything.

I want to hear everything they've ever though of me, 
how they really feel, 
if they're sorry for anything.

I just want to know the truth.

And I want to know who truly cares about me.

( :

Click in to profile. 

Click the 'friends' sign at the right side of the cover photo.

Choose 'See Friendship'.

That was a very cruel story start from October.

All those never reverse.

Sorry, I can't do this.

I can't forget all those smile and feelings you gave me.

This is the first time I try to read and go through back all the conversation we have.

Message, WeChat, Facebook Message/Comment/Wall post , Line, Viber..

I tried to give up.

Now, I stuck.

So, as a conclusion we both are free.

I am just a stupid one coming out that situation late.

At lease I tried to stay you back as a friend.

Although we will never same as before. 

Cheer.. (:

OFFICIALLY SINGLE and SEEKING PARTNER.

I actually having a more initiative life because of this relationship failed. 

Lolzz

Keep on cleaning my house like mad grandmother.

Wish to had someone besides me!!

Damn..

Okay, it was enough internet for today..

I am already switch my time to AmericaTime though. 

Hard to survive.. /.\

One heart only have one door and many windows.

That door is for you.

If you day you regret to make me wait for three years, I'll be here.

I dare to said that anytime you need me I'll appear.

Just text me. (:

Although you might never saw this post.